Some people are born mothers. Some achieve motherhood. And others have motherhood thrust upon them. I am the latter. I had the honor and privilege to share that experience at Listen to Your Mother Chicago 2015. I took the stage with a dozen other amazingly talented and vulnerable women and one man, and opened my heart to the audience. So its only fitting that I start this blog, the same way that I started my journey. With that story of my beginning. Because this blog is about changing assignments...veering from the path that was set for you by somebody else, whether that's career, education, gender or sexual orientation. Nobody determines your future but you. Nobody gets to tell you how to live your life but you. That's what this blog, and my podcast, are about. So sit back and enjoy.
I didn’t plan on being a mother. I met my future husband in August of 2006 and by March 2007 we were pregnant. There’s a lot of words and terms we toss around about this matter, that I guess I never really thought about at the time. Surprise, accident, mistake, oopsie. Anyone who’s ever been unexpectedly expecting can probably throw a few more into the pot.
My pregnancy was absolutely normal and on New Year’s Eve, I gave birth to a beautiful, perfect, amazing baby girl. No…THE most beautiful, perfect, amazing baby girl, as I’m sure almost every new mother can agree. In 2009, her father and I got married and my almost two year old wore a frilly white gown with red ribbons and flowers that matched my own. My 16 x 20 wedding canvas shows a smiling happy family: father, mother, and daughter.
Thank god the canvas was a wedding gift, because framing it alone cost a small fortune and I can’t hang it anymore. At least not without a lengthy explanation and good deal of anguish.
When my daughter was two, she told me she wanted to be a boy when she grew up. Friends and family said it was just a phase. At three she asked why I wouldn't love her if she was a boy. Oh sweet baby, I would love you no matter what you are. But people cautioned not to confuse her, make sure she knows she's a girl. At four we switched to a boys wardrobe. Perfectly coiffed and feminine women told me they were just like her as a child, a tomboy and look at them now! At five we shaved her head and her grandmothers about had a fit. At six she asked us to transition and my daughter became my son.
My child has a condition called gender dysphoria, which means the sex he was assigned biologically doesn’t match the sex he identifies with. Lately it seems like the news is full of stories like my child. Aydian Dowling may grace the cover of Men's Health, having won the Ultimate Guy challenge as a transgender man. Bruce Jenner gave an historic two hoir interview with Diane Sawyer in which he told her he has always been a woman. Leelah Alcorn, a sixteen year old transgender girl, committed suicide with the misguided idea of raising awareness.
I didn't plan to have a transgender child. And there's a lot of words and terms people toss around about this matter. Trannie. Freak. Abomination. Accident. Mistake. Don't think the motif is lost on me.
Nobody plans to have a child who by simply being themselves will be exposed to ridicule, bullying and harassment. Nobody wants to think about their child attempting suicide because they feel like they have no one. And half of all children diagnosed with gender dysphoria will attempt suicide by 20. No mother wants that for her child.
There’s a series of well-intended phrases of comfort that I hear now, all the time. It's such a shame he was such a pretty girl. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. This must be so hard for you.
I love my child unconditionally. It isn't hard for me. He stood in front of 24 of his peers and told them exactly who and what he wanted to be. That's hard. His courage takes my breath away. There's kids at school who call him weird, shove him, tell him that God made him a girl and that’s what he has to be. And every day, my child has to face that. For the rest of his life, he's going to have to face that. That's hard. His confidence inspires me.
We don't really understand what we've signed up for when we decide to be a mother. We don't know how it's going to change us, make us grow, make us hopefully better people. My child has changed me, made me grow as a person and learn courage and confidence and acceptance. He’s helped me to come out, proudly, as the parent of a transgender child. I didn't plan to be a mother but I wouldn't change being his for anything in the world.
